Kutsvaga Nhetembo Muhurwere
Mufananidzo naCJW Johnson, 1870
NAJENNIFER NIX
Munguva yechando solstice ya2008, ndiri kuzungaira muWellies eorenji ndiri pamusoro pematombo neanemones yemugungwa, ndichiita nzira yangu yakashata yekuenda ku "dombo guru." Yakakomberedzwa muruoko rwangu rwerudyi bhegi remishonga rakabata kristaro inoporesa kubva muchitoro muMill Valley, California, pamwe nemamwe matombo akati wandei akaungana munzira dzeMount Tamalpais. Ini zvakare ndakabata kopi yakanyorwa neruoko yaJoanne Kyger "The Crystal in Tamalpais." Upenyu hwangu hahusi hunonyanya kukosha, uye handiwanzowanzogara muzvitoro zveNhambo Itsva; Nhetembo yaKyger yakakurudzira kuungana kwangu kusiri kwehunhu hwema talismans. Pano pa "clam patch" pedyo neDuxbury Reef muBolinas, ndicharatidza kutanga kwerwendo-rwemakore matatu, nenhetembo yakatasva pfuti.
Kuri kutonhora uye ndiri kunzwa kupera simba sezvandinotarisa pakunzvenga madziva emvura yakadzika isingazivikanwe. "Jennifer Nix anogona kunyura pano" anopenya mupfungwa dzangu senge Facebook status update pandinosvika pazibwe guru, iro randiri kuona rakashongedzwa zvine mutsindo nemabarnacles, moss yemugungwa, uye tambo dzeshizha dzekelp.
Ndinotora kristaro kubva mubhegi remishonga uye ndinoverenga zvinonzwika mumhute. Pakati pedetembo, ndinosvika kune chikonzero chandavinga:
Buda uende kwaari. Bvisa mubhegi remishonga kristaro inoenderana nekristaro muTamalpais. Uye kana mwoyo wako usiri chokwadi paunobaya dombo muclam patch chidimbu charo chinobhururuka chobva charovera pamwoyo pako ndokukuuraya.
Ehe, handitendi kuti dombo diki rinogona kundiuraya, kunyangwe ndichifara kuona kristaro yangu yeTamalpais ichiramba yakagwinya mushure mekudzvanywa pane zvandinotarisira kuti idombo rine mukurumbira. Uye handidi kusvika, panguva ino, pakutsunga kwakakwana pamusoro pekuti moyo wangu ndewechokwadi here. Ini ndinoshuvira chete kutanga maitiro ekuedza kuziva.
Mavhiki matanhatu akanga apfuura, ndakaziva kuti, pazera ramakore 42, ndakanga ndiri muchirwere cheitsvo chakakomba. Ndakanga ndine sarudzo nhatu: rufu, dialysis, kana transplant. Mumazuva gumi ekutanga echokwadi changu chitsva, ndakanyanya kubatikana nepfungwa yerufu. Kwakanga kusina vana vokusiya, uye mukuora mwoyo kwangu, ndaidavira kuti murume wangu aizova nani nomukadzi upi noupi kunze kwangu. Ndakakudziridza pfungwa yerudo yekugara mumusha weMediterranean uchiteverwa nekusvetuka kubva pamawere. Ini handisi glib.
Asi hupenyu hwakazondinyengerera kuti ndide kuramba ndakamira. Ndakaramba dialysis uye ndakapedza mwedzi mishanu yakatevera ndichirarama negaka nema eggplant, ndichifamba nemumazai ehutano, uye ndakamirira itsvo.
Nguva yese iyi ndaingofunga kuti itsvo yemumwe munhu inokodzera here. Sezvo murume wangu, mhuri, neshamwari vaienda kumberi kuti vaongororwe sevanobvira vanopa machisi, handina kukwanisa kumira kuzvibvunza kuti moyo wangu waive wechokwadi here. "The Crystal in Tamalpais" yakandiwana mwedzi mukuvhiringidzika kwangu nenzira yemasanga nekubatana kunoitika kana moyo nepfungwa zvakazarukira kudetembo. Kusangana kwangu kwechiKaturike kwouduku hakuna kundipinza chitendero chipi nechipi chorudzidziso, asi sezvandakatarira pasi rufu, ndakashuva kuonana nechimwe chinhu chinopfuura pachangu—rimwe zano, kureurura, zvichida kumwe kwechokwadi, kuziva shamwari yangu kuti anditsigise sezvandaigara. mudzimba dzekuongorora nedzekumirira kana kurara ndakasvinura pamubhedha manheru ega ega.
Ndichitarisira kugutsa chishuvo ichi, ndakawana muunganidzwa muduku wemabhuku enhetembo andaiva nawo asi asinganyanyi kupenengura. Nhetembo dzakanga dzisina kundinakidza mumakore andakanga ndapedza ndichipinda muzvikwata zvevatapi venhau, kutsikisa, nekuratidzira muNew York, Boulder, neSan Francisco. Zvichida nokuti zvino ndaigara muMarin County, pakutanga ndakakweverwa kuvadetembi veSan Francisco Renaissance. Sezvineiwo, ndakavhura pekutanga ku "Avocado" muGary Snyder's Turtle Island uye ndakamhara pamitsara iyi: "Mhodzi hombe yakatenderedza / Pakati, / Ndiyo Yako Yekutanga Nature- / Yakachena uye yakatsetseka, / Anenge hapana akamboitsemura. kuvhurika / Kana kumboedza kuona / kana ichikura.
Mushure mokupedza bhuku iroro, ndakatsvaga mamwe mashoko pamusoro peSnyder, uye pakupedzisira ndakasvika pa“The Crystal in Tamalpais” (Kyger aimbova mudzimai waSnyder). Nenguva isipi, chinangwa chekuita tsika yakadaro muBolinas yakagadzirisazve hope dzangu sekuda. Imwe nhetembo yakanga yatsemura mutitanic block of dread ndokupinza chiedza.
Avo vasina kutambura nechirwere chakakomba havawanzonzwisisa kuti kuzviparadzanisa nevamwe kunogona sei. Pakarepo ndakagurwa kubva kune vese vakasimba uye vane hutano vanhu vachimhanyidzana nemanera ebudiriro. Kusava nesimba muAmerica—umo mumiriri wapurezidhendi anogona kutaura kuti vasina bindu vanofanira kusiiwa kuti vafe, uye vateereri vanofara!—kunonzwa kunyara, uye ndaida kuhwanda. Pandakangoti nhetembo dzipinde, zvakaita sokuti vanhu vose vakanga vatanga kunditsvaka. Apo chiedza chakadzoka, ndaigona kuona zvakajeka mutsa wavanhu vazhinji kwazvo muupenyu hwangu—zvikurukuru Jimmy, uyo aizova mupi wangu anorarama. Pasina chirwere changu, ndingadai ndisina kumboziva kuti ndakakomborerwa sei nehukama hwangu.
Mushure mekushanya kwangu kuBolinas, zvakangoitikawo hazvo. Ndakajoinha Facebook, rocket-fueling new connections. Mamwe mazuva ndakakumbira nhetembo, uye shamwari dzakatumira Kim Addonizio naSandra Cisneros, Mary Oliver naRobert Creeley. Rimwe zuva ndakakumbira mumhanzi kuti usimudze mweya wangu. Vanhu makumi matanhatu nevashanu vakapindura, mumwe ne“Here It Is,” raLeonard Cohen, iro akarituma akadana kuti “nhetembo yeZen, kana kuti rwiyo rwevaBhudha. Mutsara iwoyo wakandiyeuchidza imwe rwiyo rweCohen, uye ndakatanga kuchera maCD angu ekare eCohen. Nguva shoma gare gare ndakanga ndichiteerera kumukomana wake aipopota pa“Anthem,” uye mazwi ake aidzokorora zvakazarurwa zvaKyger zvakukurudzira mandiri:
Ridzai mabhero achiri kugona kurira
Kanganwa chipo chako chakakwana
Pane kuparara mune zvose
Ndiwo mapindiro anoita chiedza.
Kwemwedzi iyoyo yekumirira, ndakafamba zvakadzama muzvinyorwa zvaGary Snyder, ndichitora miunganidzwa yake yenhetembo nezvinyorwa uye, pandakanzwa zvakanaka, ndichishanyira nzvimbo dzakapoteredza Marin dzinoonekwa mubasa rake. Kushushikana kwangu kwakaderedzwa nekuzvipira kwaSnyder kuZen Buddhism, zvisikwa, tsika dzechivanhu, uye marudzi mazhinji erudo. "Kuwana Nzvimbo Mumoyo" inofarira: "O, ah! Iko / kuziva kusava nematuro / kunoburitsa mwoyo wetsitsi!
Ndaifanira kufamba ndakananga kuZen sezvandaikwanisa mumazuva ainetsa iwayo. Snyder, pamwe chete naCohen, vakandirayiridza munzira dzokushivirira nokugamuchirwa.
Cohen akapa rwiyo rwenguva dzose kuimba yedu yeSausalito munguva inotungamira kuisirwa, uye pakuverenga nhetembo yake ndakanakidzwa nemélange yehupenyu nerufu, bonde uye shuwa. Iyi mitsara kubva ku "Mafungiro Akarurama" muBhuku reKushuva yakataura neni nezvekukosha kwekusava nehanya zvakanyanya nehupenyu, kana kune chero chinhu, uye ikava mantra: "iwe une mafungiro akanaka / Hauna hanya kana ichipera. / kana zvikaramba zvakadaro. " Pausiku hwapamberi pokuvhiyiwa, ndakazvidzikamisa ndimene naaya mashoko. Kana ndisina kumuka, zvakanga zvakanaka, zvakare.
Ndinofara, musi waMay 22, 2009, ndakamuka. Ndakabva ndabatsirikana kubva pane zvakangoitika zvemashiripiti. Mavhiki mashomanana apfuura ndakanga ndatumira nhetembo yeCohen pa Facebook; waaizivana naye akazviona uye akanyora kuti airidza ngoma paLeonard Cohen World Tour. Mwedzi mitatu chaiyo mushure mekuvhiyiwa kwangu, ini nemurume wangu takazviwana tava kumashure mushure mekonzati muBarcelona—pazuva rekuzvarwa kwaCohen rechi75, zvisingaite. Mufaro uchiripo.
Chokwadi, makore maviri akatevera kuisirwa ainyanya kufara. Ndakanzwa senge ndave kuma 20s zvakare. Nyika yairatidza kupenya, yakazara nechivimbiso. Munguva iyi ndakasangana nekubatana kutsva kune nhetembo, chinyorwa cheemail chinotungamirwa nemutori wenhau weNew York wandakanga ndasangana naye paFacebook. Nhetembo dzakasvika kamwechete kana kaviri pazuva kubhokisi rangu rekunyora, nguva diki dzekufungisisa pasina mhinduro yaitarisirwa.
Mwedzi yakati gare gare, shamwari yangu itsva yakanyora ichibvunza kuti ndaifarira sei nhetembo dzacho. Ndakapindura ndichiti, “Ndinogara ndichiyeverwa nekutevedzana kunoita nhetembo nezviri kuitika muhupenyu hwangu kana mupfungwa panguva iyoyo. Ndinotanga ndashamisika kuti mumwe mweya wakambogadzira nhetembo imwe neimwe, uye zvino ndinoshamiswa kuti zvipo izvi zvinondiwana pasina kuedza kwangu, kuburikidza nemukoto wandisati ndambosangana naye. Ndinowanzo kurota nhetembo izvozvi, uye ndinomuka ndichifunga imwe mutsara. " Izvo, akapa, ndiwo maziviro aunoita kuti vari kushanda.
Pakati pemazana enhetembo dzakatumirwa neemail paive nedzakare dzinofarirwa naSeamus Heaney, Mark Strand, naCD Wright (kubva ku“Clockmaker with Bad Eyes”: “Ida chero chinobuda. Kubika hutsi, ropa remukadzi,/ misodzi. Uri kunzwa zvandiri kukuudza iwe?") uye vadetembi vatsva-kuni vakaita saAE Stallings, Tony Hoagland, naDon Paterson. Mitsetse kubva pachikamu chekutanga chePaterson's "Sei uchinonoka kusvika?" zvakandipa manyemwe nekuti musi wakasvika nhetembo mubhokisi retsamba, ndakaona kuti painge patova nemakore anenge maviri chaiwo kubva pandakaswera ndiri pakati pematombo muBolinas.
…rangarira zuva riya rawakarasikirwa nemakore maviri apfuura
padombo pawakagara uchiridza dombo
nematombo aya amakaba kumahombekombe?
Vazhinji vavo vakasviba uye hapana chimwe,
asi dzimwe nguva munhu aizobwaira ruvara rwakavanzika
yakanga yakavharira pane imwe nzvimbo muhope dzayo dzematombo.
Aya ndiwo maziviro awakaita iwo ekuchengeta.
Sezvinowanzoitika kune vanoisirwa, zvisinei, mufaro wakandisiya pamakore maviri ekuyeukwa kwegore rekuvhiyiwa kwangu. Pakanga pane zvinetso nemishonga yangu, uye ndakakura ndichitya kuti muviri wangu waizoramba itsvo itsva. Ndichinyura mukuora mwoyo, ndainzwawo ndine mhaka uye ndisingakodzeri, ndakavhiringidzika uye ndiri ndoga. Kuwedzera kwekuora mwoyo kwakatanga kwaive kusimwa kweimwe mhando: basa remurume wangu rakaita kuti tisiye shamwari uye runako rweMarin kuti tiite muBaltimore. Nekuda kwemamiriro angu epfungwa, ndakashaya kutsunga kwandaigona kunge ndakadzidzira pakufambira mberi kwekutsikisa uye basa rezvematongerwo enyika. Ndakasiya zano rekuti ndibvunze nezvemushandirapamwe wekongiresi uye nesangano repasi rose randakanga ndichibatsira kuparura, pamwe nechero chirongwa chebhuku rezvematongerwo enyika.
Ndakaziva kuti pasi pakanga pasisina zvakare pandakaona kuti ndaipedza "nguva inopfuura vanhu" (kureva Jonathan Franzen) ndichizvishora, ndichifunga nezvehutano hwangu, uye kuchema. Ndakaona kuti ndaifanira kutsvaga nzvimbo itsva zvakare. Ndakanga ndisingadi kuramba ndichivimba nemishonga yakawanda, saka ndakagadzira nzira yangu yeimwe nzira yekurapa uye ndakatanga kudanana zvikuru nenhetembo muna Chivabvu 2011. Mushure memwedzi yakawanda ndichiisanganisa nekorasi yevanhu, ndakabuda muna February 2012 se mukadzi akazvarwa patsva.
Munguva iyi yekuzvitakura, mazuva angu ainyanya kushanya online nhetembo saiti uye kujoinha zvinyorwa zvadzo, "kutenderera" ad infinitum paPoetry Foundation's iPhone app, uye kutenga-kutenga nhetembo kuunganidza, anthologies, uye magazini pese pandaipinda muchitoro chemabhuku. Panguva ino ndakanga ndisiri kungotsvaka mhinduro yokuti mwoyo wangu waiva wechokwadi here; Ini ndanga ndichiedza kurasa magungano ese ainditsanangura kana kundidzora, kuti nditarise yangu kodhi uye, sekunyora kwakaita Snyder, kutsemura kuvhura yangu Yekutanga Nature, kuti ndione kana yaizokura.
Ndakatanga naCK Williams's "Dream" ("Mad dreams! Mad love!") ndikapedzisa naKyger's "[He is pruning the privet]": "Hausi wega inyika ino / haisi yega nyika yakafanana yekufungisisa / pahwindo panoita kuti moto urambe uchibvira.” Pakati, ndakawana Swithering naRobin Robertson uye kuburikidza ne "Trysts" ndakasangana naye parwizi. Ada Limón's "Crush" akacheka "bazi rekurudyi / uye rudzi rwechiedza / akamuka pasi." Ndakashuvira zvazvino pakati paDonald Hall naJane Kenyon, uye rusununguko rwekare rwakatorwa naCavafy naCatullus. Ndakanakidzwa nenhetembo dzinonakidza dzeMirabai uye ndakafungisisa panguva yakanaka Jane Hirshfield naRobert Bly vanofanira kunge vakagovana vachigadzira dudziro yavo. Ndakabatirira pahembe dzaKevin Young kuti ndifambe nemusango, uye handina kuita zvishoma kupfuura kuparadzwa uye kuvakwa patsva naRichard Siken's “Litany In which Something Things Are Crossed Out”: “Nhoroondo yese yechishuwo chemunhu inotora anenge maminetsi makumi manomwe kutaura. / Zvinosuruvarisa, hatina nguva yakadaro. Mhepo yeMary Oliver's West Wind yakandishamisa nekuferefeta kwayo kushuvira, uye muAmerican Primitive ndaifarira "The Plum Trees" yaOliver, nezano rayo rekuti "nzira chete / yekuedza mufaro mupfungwa dzako ndeyekuutora / kupinda mumuviri kutanga, kunge madiki / emusango plums." Muromo wangu wakadiridza Elinor Wylie's "Wild Peaches" pandakasangana nemitsara iyi: "Kana nyika yapinduka zvachose / Unoti tichatama kuenda kuEastern Shore / Kukwira chikepe cherwizi kubva kuBaltimore." Ipapo ndakaverenga William Stafford naJames Fenton nezverunyararo nehondo, ndikawana John Ashbery, Jack Gilbert, naHonor Moore, vakawira mu“Kubvutwa” naGalway Kinnell, uye vakapiswa nechakazarurwa pazuva raDavid Whyte “Rima Rinotapira” rakandiudza:
Dzimwe nguva zvinotora rima uye kutapira
kuvharirwa kwekusurukirwa kwako
kudzidza
chero chinhu kana ani zvake
izvo hazvikuunzi uri mupenyu
iduku kwauri.
Zvaive zvine musoro uye zvine moyo zvinhu, uye mumwe nemumwe akandiswededza pedyo nekutsvaga nzira yangu. Pandakaona mutsara wokuti “kuzvisika nguva dzose” kwakaoma/kukanganisa” muKyger's “[Ari pruning the privet],” ndakaziva kuti kutsvaka kwangu kwoupengo kwezvinoreva kwakanga kwapera. Mwedzi yenhaurirano nepfungwa dzedetembo yakanga yandinunura kubva mukuora mwoyo.
“Upenyu hwomunhu hunotanga pazviitiko zvakawanda, huchizvigadzira mutsaona yakabva mutsaona yakasanganiswa nounhu,” Donald Hall akanyora mubhuku rinonzi Unpacking the Boxes. Ndava pamavambo matsva akadai. Yave nguva yekuisa pfungwa dzangu zvakare kuzvinhu zvekunze nemukati mangu, kubasa idzva uye nemaitiro ekurarama ayo anopa hupenyu chimiro chayo. Ini pakupedzisira ndadzoka pane yangu chaiyo, mushure meanoda kusvika makore matatu. Ndakawana dzikamo yangu pakati pekufara uye kupererwa, uye ndine nhetembo yekutenda nekutasva padivi, ichindibatsira kubva kuchirwere kuenda kune nyore.